Pay attention to your dreams. They have important messages for the folk who listen.

 

Im dreaming memories that are a modern context of long past ages.

 

I dreamt of my murder. The man i love best, i died for him once, so save him from his death, and save his daughter from being the married sex slave of a germanic warlord. But it a totally modern tail.

 

I got him on a trouble shooting call at work, but i was at my own him. then i suddenly collapsed in a pool of my own blood.

 

 

I dreamt of my rites into womanhood. The new moon of a womans first blood, and my womb was opened by a teraphim, a little goddess of labor and motherhood. Opened by my mother,  to nourish the earth with a womans mystical blood.

 

I was in pain because i had not had bled in years and my cousin, a certified gynecologist in my dream, reached in and scraped away all that was blocking me from health. and then i bled. and woke up bleeding.

 

 

 

that is all i remember from my dreams. these are the most important ones i've had in my sleep, as i've had others that were merely flyaway thoughts, that have no prevalence on this body. or its memories.

 

I hear your voice, I miss your face, i need your touch. Where are you? where are you?

Protect me for i feel something big, its getting ever closer, weighing heavier on the children of the stars and scaring us into our gifts with violent force.

Yeah okay. So i feel like a big load of shit atm. Sick, stomach AND ovaries are waging war in my body. Im not doing so hot. Lucky me i cant eat anythign with gluten (bread) So. im stuck. Hungry. because this morning i felt way too shitty to bother packing anything, praying there might be something in the wheel o doom is friendly.

Guess what? not a damn thing. Kinda pisses me off. even the soups have pasta and shit in them.

thats the end of my gripe. im just annoyed. woohoo.

Here comes the sick-mobile.

Scar reduction.

Turmeric Rub.

Mederma > Pharmacist

 

I could cry,

Just to see your face,

Next to mine,

In our secret place.

 

My heart says no,

When my soul says yes,

To a love we had ages past.

 

Don't let me cry,

Over love long lost,

Lest I die from these scars,

Bleeding from my heart.

I met someone wonderful. Someone that was just.. perfect for me. They were exactly what i wanted in a mate--- The EXACT thing!

 

What do i do? I fall in love with them!

 

Next, what happens? Well fuck he has a GF. Its all good, she never comes up, and his sweet sweet words caress my heart.

 

Then one day she comes up. And talks to me. And she talks about. How she loves him, how they're engaged, blah blah blah.

 

and i feel betrayed by those sweet words of caring, because how could he say to me that his day just got better, when he has a woman to already say that to!

 

 

And i feel betrayed by my own heart for i feel now, like i'll never, ever EVER be allowed one ounce of happiness.

 

 

Im so tired of existing.

 

Dutifully taking pills to make myself better, only to wake up more often wishing i could be dead.

Makes my head spin, the way we ask for something but when it comes along... it scares us and we reject it because of the force of it. We will do anything to decieve it, turn it aside, get RID of it. Anything. Lying to it, Hurting it with lies, hurting it by playing, toying, with it and kicking it out of our lives.

 

Yet, sometimes you do not feel anything over it. Anger maybe, that a pattern has emerged, always steering you towards a certain choice, and you want to say NO! I have no time for this.

 

Maybe even fear that events will repeat themselves, that you will be tired of being crippled, by yourself or by another.

 

Fear that you will make the choice and find yourself eternally shadowed by it, eternally rejecting it, hating it, wishing it would just go away and leave you in your own personal misery. Misery that you plead to be relieved of until you find yourself at the same choice, the same crossroads, making the same choice. Like you will be faced with it until you make it and hate it, fear it more because you do not want it.